Here We Go.

It's been precisely one week since I wearily dragged my feet down the empty, over lit halls of the Chiang Mai airport to catch a 2am flight back home. It's almost inconceivable to think that just seven days ago I was   used to things like bartering, being a minority, feeling like a child learning about the world for the first time, missing my family, and being incredibly comfortable and content in the community that was borne after four months with each other in a foreign country.

When we walked away I teared up, and since then I have not mourned. In fact, I have been surprised at how natural the adjustment has been, how normal America seems to me and how un-schocked I am at the culture and attitudes here.

At the same time, there are ways in which I have been permanently changed--things other than the fact that I can't stop eating everything with both a fork and a spoon like a Thai would; or how incredibly large American food seems to me now. Things like feeling as if I need to really pray and think before I purchase a new smartphone--asking God if this is actually the way in which he'd like me to spend the share of the world's money that he has so graciously lent to me. Things like how starkly in contrast my immediate impatience at silly things is to the relaxed and un-anxious person I had become after four months of losing all control I had over my schedule. Things like never, ever wanting to lay aside the intense servitude that was modeled to me by every Lao and Thai person I met. Things like taking every little decision a bit more seriously, and questioning whether every little thing I do is glorifying God and making him attractive, or whether it is about me.

Ironically, I believe that one of the largest things I learned from my experience abroad had almost nothing to do with Thailand at all. After spending four months with five brilliant, inspiring, humble and hilarious other students, I can honestly say they taught me more about myself and how to exist in relationships than I ever thought possible. I learned how valuable and difficult it is to "not be rash with my words." (Ecc. 5:2) I also learned how ridiculously individualistic I am by nature, and how blessed my life can be when I exist in an open and giving community.

Moreover, my faith has greatly increased--of course, it's had to. After witnessing some pretty emotionally traumatic things in succession--events that honestly caused me to question the goodness of God--he has really had to show me just how good he is. Just how huge, present and redemptive he is in the face of horrifying evil.

One of the most joyful times I had in Thailand was listening to the lengthy, foreign prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ whom I could not understand. Thai, Lao and hilltribes alike all spend five times as long as myself, my church and most Christians I know do in prayer. Sometimes we'd wait for fifteen minutes while an entire congregation prayed together, at the same time. We'd hear their prayers, which sounded like speedy mumbles, cascade to the heavens; and at times we doubted whether God heard ever them. But the beautiful thing about these prayers was their reflection of God's greatness. Here, in a context so incredibly different from mine, my fellow followers were praising and asking things of the same God that is with me now as I determine my weekly schedule, balance my budget, and meet with friends I haven't seen in a while at restaurants more expensive and fancy than most of the people I encountered will ever, ever experience.

There, in the Karen tribe where two giant spiders scared the salt out of us girls trying to brush our teeth. There, where Saturday nights meant round circles full of songs with guitars and beating on sodapop cans. There, where women, children, and men are forced everyday to do acts that those of us in middle class America would rather not even think about.
There, where a world consists of limited opportunities and an inability to dream.
There, where I received more out of people's lack than I have ever been given from people's abundance.

God is there, watching, listening, moving, bringing justice, healing and reconciling people to him.

***

The funny thing is that, just before I left, I realized that this cyclical and enslaving evil also exists at home. In fact, it exists in my own life. I have a friend who has been addicted to heroin, shooting it intravenously, for over four years now. When we were eleven, she and I would spend hours dreaming about our future. She wanted to be an actress and I, a singer. The girl I knew back then was motivated, a social butterfly, and she was going places.

Ten years later, she has liver issues that will inevitably result in her death  unless she can kick one of the most addicting substances known to man. This girl has been plagued not only by her own flesh and desires, but coerced and taken under by evil. The further satan gets her into her addiction, the happier he is--just as he rejoiced when Moon's mom sold her into prostitution.

This same evil, in fact, exists in my very own heart. The evil that tells me my idols are more satisfying than God. The evil that causes me to judge others without grace. The evil that consciously chooses to sin rather then to repent and run to Him. The evil that keeps me lazy, keeps me detached and afraid of the call God has on my life. The evil that manifests itself in  "little things" like selfishness, impatience, and especially bitterness.

The tragedy that occurred in our country yesterday is a sobering reminder of what can happen when the sinful nature remains unattended to. I overheard two friends discussing the matter and asking, "How could someone do such a thing?"  Coming immediately back from a context in which four year old girls and six year old boys are sold to be raped, and where those same children are tortured and beat should they not preform their tasks as slaves correctly, I was surprised to find I was not shocked.

Heartbroken and led to tears, yes. But not shocked.

This evil that we think of--the ones my friends were questioning--it exists all around us, it exists inside of us. It is the reason why men kill children. It is the reason why slavery exists more in the world now than it ever has before. It is the reason why America consumes more of the worlds resources than any other country, even though we are outnumbered by aplenty (20%, that is). It is the reason why Eve ate the apple, and why Adam stood idly by and let her do it.

It is the reason why Jesus Christ died on a cross.

We believe in a God that looks that exact evil in the face and, instead of punishment, offers us free grace. That doesn't make any sense at all. But the wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. (Cor. 3:19) The "price" we pay is so little in that light, isn't it? The call to answer evil without fear, to live sacrificially and with more than gusto, whatever the Lord may have us do.The call to have our life be oriented in the way my little sister's Christmas recital sang about: "Jesus, others, than you." The call to be willing not only to die but to live for Him. And the call (which seems to be most difficult for me) to repent when there is sin and no, not dwell, not self help, not condemn or try to atone. But, in fact, to get out there and as David said immediately after repenting from killing a man who trusted him, "Tell transgressors of [His] ways."

Considering the sufferings of this world, it would be insane for a Christian to stand before a microphone and proclaim, "I consider the sufferings of the world nothing when compared with the glory that is to come." But that is exactly what Paul did in a world that is much like ours today. (Rmns 8:18) If this statement bears any truth, than (I'm sorry) but we have no excuse for paralyzing hesitance and fear. If it is true, than we hold the power to transform suffering. By the power of the holy spirit, we can answer evil at any cost, and we can do it fearlessly.

Well, Lord: Here we go.








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